Conviction

I really can't even decide what to say in this post. I am literally close to speechless and feel tears rolling down my face as I write this. I just finished watching Conviction, a film about Betty Ann Waters and her fight to free her brother from a life sentence in jail after being wrongly convicted of 1st Degree Murder. She managed to get a degree and then a law degree so that she could fight the system herself to free her brother after 18 years serving time in prison for a crime he did not commit.

It's an incredibly difficult and complex story to watch unfold onscreen and also merely to process as I sit here. I have so much rolling around in my head. How does this happen? How do we as a society forgive ourselves for allowing something like this to occur? How can we ever give this man back any of the time that was stolen from him? He missed watching his child and his nieces and nephews grow up. Betty Ann's fight ruined her marriage and took 18 years of stress and struggle and incredibly hard work, which is so incredibly admirable, but also sort of tragic in that she was caught in that sense of imprisonment as well. She was locked in a fight that changed her entire life as well. How do they get that time back? How do they deal with that now? How does someone find the strength and courage to fight like that? It's truly incredible.

I guess it's just hard to wrap my head around something like that. And, of course, the system is not perfect. We know that. But, I still can't help but think that something must be done. There must be a way to prevent this sort of thing from happening. There must be some way to repay them. It's horrifying and heartbreaking and I just can't stop reeling from it.

There's no real moral or end to this post. I just had to get some of those questions out. How does someone love so deeply? It's truly amazing and awe-inspiring. I am going back to speechless now. Carry on.

I. AM. LOVE.

I'm angry. There, I said it. I'm angry. I'm angry that I have so little time. I'm angry that I have so little money. I'm angry that people unapologetically step on my toes and pull the rug out from under me. I'm angry because I'm lonely. I'm angry because I'm not more educated. I'm angry that once a day someone asks me where they can hear me sing and I have to tell them "nowhere". I'm angry that I feel like I am called to do something bigger and greater and more important and I don't know what that is or how to go about doing it. I'm angry that my dreams are eluding me. I'm angry that people I believed in are letting me down.

But, all these angers are selfish. They are about me and they are things that I have to let out and let go of. Because anger is destructive. It takes the beauty in our hearts and turns it black. But it's there and it's valid and it's meaningful. If we didn't have anger, we wouldn't feel so wonderful when we resolved it and found joy and peace. Anger is an important emotion and I think that sweeping it under the rug, as it were, does not resolve it, but makes it collect and fester and grow, so I won't hide it. I am angry and I am dealing with it and that is ok.

And, in the interest of doing that, I have to tell you that I am angry at people who use religion and the bible as justification for being nasty to other people. For taking a tragedy and celebrating it as a "fulfillment of prophecy" or some kind of lesson being taught to the world about how they should love god or else.

I'm sorry... wait, no I'm not. I won't apologize for what I'm about to say, because I believe it fervently. I cannot believe that there are people in this world who justify cruelty and bigotry and hate with the Bible. John 13:34-35 reads: "A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another, even as I have loved you, that you also love one another. By this all men will know that you are My disciples, if you have love for one another." God calls us to love as he loved and his love is perfect. God's word is that we are to love one another. To me, that is what God is. He is not this vindictive Creator who punishes us for our shortcomings because he made us in his image and we are imperfect. If he had wanted us to be perfect beings, he would've created us as such. But he created us, he saw it and decided that it was good and he gave us free will so that we could choose the manner in which we lived and served and believed in him. I can't fathom a God, that extolls love and kindness and mercy would want people to suffer. I just refuse to believe that. My God is love. And I, as an extension of God, am love. And, so as a person who embodies love and the love of God, I have to reflect love on the world and I believe that of all people, so when I hear people preaching hate and vengeance and that some people are lesser than others because of their religion or ethnicity or whatever(!), it makes my blood boil.

And that's my challenge. Yes, I am angry at these people. Yes, I want to change the hardened, cruel hearts of these people. I want to hate these people. But, wait. That defeats my argument. My work becomes squelching anger and intolerance toward the angry and intolerant by fighting back with love. Loving even those who have no love for me. Loving people that I will never understand or feel naturally kind toward. Loving in spite of a boiling anger. That is my work.

I encourage you all to find love in your hearts, both for those you fervently believe deserve all the love you can give, but also for those you fervently believe do not. Because, honestly, those are the people who need our love the most.

I love you all and I hope that the work of our deep, god-reflecting love continues and the light in our eyes can begin to be reflected in the hardened hearts of those who have extinguished that light in themselves.

And I hope to resolve my anger soon. And I will.

I love you all. More than I can say.

We. Are. Human. Period.

As many of you know, I am currently in a production of The Laramie Project: 10 Years Later at Grace Episcopal Church. This powerful show is about the horrific murder of Matthew Shephard and the impact in the community of Laramie, Wyoming ten years after the hate crime occurred. Obviously, with a show this difficult, there are a lot of thoughts running through my head, none more-so than how we treat people and why people are drawn toward hating one another.

I have never understood how a person can so easily hate another person, especially a person they know nothing about, save one particular facet of their being, i.e. their sexuality, race, gender, etc. I believe that we are called to love one another no matter what. It is our obligation as human beings to love and respect one another despite our differences.

Tonight, we held a talkback after the show and there was a lot of talk about how we make a bigger impact; a louder voice; reach beyond our community to the nation at large. I heard a lot of "we, as gay people" or "we as Christians" and I kept thinking to myself "why do 'we' have to define ourselves in those terms to make a stand?" Why do we always want to define ourselves so narrowly. I like to think that I am a sum of all my various, unique parts and that I am not defined by: woman, caucasian, heterosexual, blonde, actor, singer, yogini, etc. I am all of those things and therefore I define myself as human. I am a human being, with flaws and individuality and I should be an advocate for other humans with flaws and individuality. I should stand up for the rights of all people, because they are human and I am human. Period. Just because you are gay, or you are a man, or your skin is dark, or your eyes are blue or whatever, doesn't mean that you are a totally different person from me and I can't relate to you so I shouldn't stand up for you. I can relate to everyone because they are human and I am human, and we have that shared connection. So, I should stand up for your rights just as I would my own, because we are brothers and sisters in humanity if nothing else.

God calls us to love our neighbors. He does not place conditions on this love, so why do we give ourselves permission to do so? We should fight for equality here on Earth because we are all equal in the eyes of God. And God made us who we are, in his image, and He is perfect, so we are perfect in his eyes, no matter our sexuality, gender, race, creed, religion. I think we would do well to remember that. God loves us, so we reflect his love. Let us love one another. Because it is what we are born to do.

I love you all.

Sleep well.

Hayley

Love is all you need

In case you are currently living under a rock, yesterday was Valentine's Day. I always have mixed feelings about Valentine's Day. As I am perpetually single, I often want to dislike it, but I am also someone who loves to love and what better day than one that is dedicated to that exact activity?! It's fun to see people expressing their love to one another without inhibition on this day, as it seems to often be difficult for many to do often. But, then I think, why do you need a day dedicated to love to make your love known?

We have a beautiful opportunity each and every day to express our love to one another and I think it's a really important one to seize. I am always so grateful and taken aback by someone telling me that they love me. It means the world to me. I love to love and to be loved! And, though most are not as outspoken about it, I know that most everyone else feels the same way. It is marvelous to have love in our lives. It's what we live for. It's what we die for. It's the emotion that drives the majority of our actions, and yet, sometimes it's incredibly hard to express it.

I implore all of you today to make it known that you love the people that you love. It will mean more to them than you can possibly imagine. Believe me. I'm overwhelmed with feelings of love just left over from yesterday, so I know it's the truth.

I love you all and am so grateful to have you in my life. Have a beautiful, love and light-filled day!!!

Inhale. Love. Exhale. Peace.

Good morning, lovely ladies and gentlemen!

I've had a particularly unhappy string of days recently, for whatever reason, and I've been really struggling to feel at home in my own life. But, this morning, I woke up and I headed to yoga, as I have the last two mornings, but something was different. I had a headache and wasn't sure I was going to go but I was already up and dressed and my head said "go," so I did.

I got to class and there were 16 people - in a 6am class! Something felt alive in this dark, rainy morning. Something immediately spoke to me. So, I practiced, as I always do, and as we began in child's pose, I lifted my heart up and prayed for God to grant me peace. That's right, I was praying on my mat. And as we began to practice, the rotten bits of my discouraged heart started to melt away and my thoughts began to drift off and in that hour, I began to feel... peace. Just like I had asked. It was amazing.

As we came into Savasana, I let my body sink into the mat and I felt my heart sink into my chest, nestling in the joy and peace of this morning, and the collective energy of the people in the room. It was an incredible feeling, knowing that I had given myself this gift, simply by getting up, getting on my mat, and letting go of all control. In yoga, we call this relinquishing control Ishvara Pranidhana or "devotion to a higher power," and it's an integral part of the practice for me these days. It gives me the freedom to let go and to do exactly what it is that I need to do.

I am so grateful for this morning and for Kathryn and for the other students in that class and for myself; for getting up, for believing, for opening my heart and for giving up control. I. am. so. grateful.

And I hope that joy and peace that I felt this morning extends to all of you. Love love love and light. Happy Tuesday.

I love you all.

xo,

Hayley

Love your enemies.

I have had the loveliest weekend. I'm not bragging, but my weekend was probably better than your weekend. :p hee hee. Just kidding. But, it was super awesome. I won't break down every little awesome facet for you but I will light on one specific bit of awesome.

This morning I went to church with my mom. Now, that may seem insignificant to you but we haven't been to church since I was a teenager. We went because we found out that our favorite minister is now preaching at a church that is no longer GUD (geographically undesirable for those not in the know) and we were thrilled. He's a master storyteller (literally) and a brilliant and compassionate man who believes in and preaches peace and love for all people. He is truly one of my biggest inspirations. So, I went two weeks ago when my mom was out of town and was so moved and she wanted to join me this week so we went together.

There are so many things about religion that trouble me and it makes it hard for me to feel compelled to go to a church service, but I could sit and listen to Rev. Michael Williams preach all day long. My mother and I both were moved to tears this morning (which, in all fairness, is not really an uncommon thing for us, but this was different.) as we sat and listened to Br. Michael speak about how we react to those who treat us poorly. He spoke of loving our enemies and of working to not multiply the hurt in the world by reacting to violence and injury with more violence and injury.

It's a beautiful lesson. We cannot extinguish our pain by inflicting pain on others. There is no relief, only more pain. And why would I condemn someone for being cruel as I perpetuate a cruelty on someone else. It just doesn't make sense. As Michael said this morning: Do we want to be the smashers or the healers? I personally hope that I can be a healer.

Granted, I do my fair share of smashing. I know that I have the ability and the occasional inclination to be unkind when I feel slighted, but I intend to treat everyone with love and respect no matter how they treat me. It's an extension of God's love for me, when you think about it. When I screw up, God does not cease loving me. When I curse him for the injustices in my life and in the world at large, he does not fight back. He extends love to me, because that's when I need it the most. And I think we, as human beings, are able and expected to do the same for one another. When people are cruel and injurious, that's when they need the most love. And it's hard to want to extend that love because we are injured and angry, but as we release for others, we feel relief and love for ourselves. And we can move on. And I think there's definitely something to be said for that.

I hope that in the week to come, we can all love each other a little bit more. And I hope that when our neighbors slip and cause us pain, that we can love them just as much and not reciprocate that injury; multiply that hurt.

I love you all.

Have a VERY happy week!

:) Hayley

She is love.

I have a tendency sometimes to repeat patterns in my life. Especially patterns of self-deprication, self-inflicted loneliness and depression. Now, don't start to get worried. They're not self-destructive in the sense that I would physically be harmed by them, but they are destructive in that they make me sluggish and sad, angry and hurt. And, often, they make me feel this way for very little cause. Small things can bring these patterns on, like someone slighting me in some way or a relationship, romantic or not, not meeting my expectations.

So, I tend to withdraw when these feelings occur. I start to lock myself away, both literally and figuratively, and sink into this dark place in my mind. It's as if my heart, that is so powerful and full normally, decides to shrink and let my overworking mind take its place in the order of things. It's not a happy way to live.

And I honestly don't experience it super often, but when it hits it can feel overwhelming and I've had bouts of it in the last few weeks. Tonight, I had a bit of that feeling early on, and I considered wrapping myself up in blankets and hunkering down for the night, wallowing in self-defeat. But, instead, I decided that I would put on my big-girl boots and go out to see my beautiful and talented friend Megan play a set at the Tremont.

Thank goodness.

I was reminded as I arrived there of why my heart is so full and why it's so incredibly ridiculous that I ever feel anything but joy. I have some of the most wonderfully kind, beautiful, loving people in my life. Megan, Ryan, Mike and Gail are rocks in my life. They are people who make me smile. They are people who give me so much without ever having to make an effort. They are honest, they are fair, they believe in me, they believe in each other, they care, they worry, they love, they laugh. And I am better for knowing them.

I just kept thinking as I sat there that I wouldn't rather be anywhere else in those moments. I love being with those people. I love that I never have to be anyone but who I am with them. That is the mark of true friends; people who love you for who you are, flaws and all. And I am just so terribly grateful. And I am no longer of weakened heart. My heart is full and when my head hits the pillow I will sleep soundly knowing that I am so well loved and that I have so much love in return to give.

Gail, Mike, Ryan, Megan: I love you guys. Thank you for being a part of my life.
To everyone else: That goes for you too. :)
I love you all.
Happy Thursday!
<3

Snowpocalypse, shmopocalypse... or something...

So, as for my mood at the current moment, perhaps you can decipher it from my most recent iTunes purchases:

Elton John, Norah Jones, Gillian Welch, Ingrid Michaelson, Dev feat. the Cataracs, Teitur, Parachute, Jay-Z, Rufus Wainwright, Florence and the Machine, 2Pac, Switchfoot, Ben Harper.

... maybe not.

So, Chattanooga is hunkering down and getting ready for the Snowpocalypse. I have to say, this city is slightly insane when it comes to weather guessing and preparing for the worst. My lord. I, on the other hand, would love to not have to go into work at the crack of 8am of course, BUT being snowed in means sitting on my butt all day long doing basically nothing and going completely stir crazy. So, I could really go either way. But, I am set up with about 12 pounds of hummus and all sorts of yummy fruit fit for smoothie making so I can weather out the storm if need-be.

This weather reminded me of the idea that if the weather weren't bad sometimes, we wouldn't truly be able to appreciate when it's beautiful. We would have nothing to compare it to and then would likely take it for granted, like we do with so many other things in our lives. I feel the same way about my life at the moment. There are certainly things that I am not thrilled with at the moment, but I have to appreciate even these bits of negativity and pain so that when my life is going well, I will laugh and smile and be extra grateful for every happy moment spent. Sometimes it takes something really bad to happen before you realize how wonderful your life was to begin with. I, personally, don't ever want to get to that point. I hope I can appreciate each moment of joy in my life without having to compare it with pain, but that is not always the easiest and I know that. So, tonight, if it snows and I am stuck in my house (pouting, no doubt) I will try to turn my thoughts on how lovely it will be when I get to see sunshine and walk in the outdoors without freezing my bazzinga off. And when that time comes I will smile and really be exceptionally grateful for that day and that opportunity.

"I urge you to please notice when you are happy, and exclaim or murmur or think at some point, "If this isn't nice, I don't know what is." -Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.

I hope that you can find that lightness in the dark as well. I wish it for us all.

I love you. Have a happy snow day!

xoxo

Hayley

Light my fire.

This week in my class I talked about fire, inspired by Brother Michael's sermon on Sunday. I've had "lighting a fire in my heart" on my mind a lot this week. Michael talked about the properties of fire: heat, light and aiding in sustenance, as well as the ability to burn. He asked how we could light a fire without burning. One of my resolutions for the new year was to do more for other people. So, my thoughts have been centered on how I can do and be more for other people without burning them or myself. I think it's an incredible symbol to meditate on. In yoga, we talk about building fire in our bodies, firing up our breath, etc. etc. We use fire as a symbol of strength and power and endurance. But, most of the time we overlook the burning, or injurious quality of fire. We have to allow ourselves the option to rest and back off; catch our breath. You may think of this as giving oxygen to the fire so that it may sustain itself. The sustainability of the fire allows us to draw on that energy without burning out or injuring ourselves. This can be applied in life, I think. I think that if we take a moment in our lives to breathe, slow down, allow ourselves some space from the things in our lives that burn us, we fan the flame that sustains our ability to help ourselves and others. We allow ourselves more energy to be a light and a source of warmth for the world around us.

So that's my goal for 2011: be a fire without being a burn. (or something. It's getting late.)

Have a beautiful Sunday! I only wish I could be at West End UMC again tomorrow, but I suppose I'll get to attend next week! I'll just hope they post the podcasts soon!

I love you all!

Hayley

It's the little things that make me smile

I've been caught off-guard lately at the funny little things in my life that bring me so much joy. When I think about it, some of them are really silly, but they really do make my day brighter. Maybe you feel the same way. I'm going to share a few of them here:

Pinkish, purplish sunsets.

Genuine, cuddly bear hugs.

Spontaneous and platonic kisses

90s rap songs.

Giggling with good friends about nothing in particular.

Grilled cheese sandwiches (they remind me of the Sutler and my Boompa).

Receiving flowers, especially surprise flowers.

Fresh flowers, generally.

Fake flowers, generally.

"I love you."

hello kitty anything.

Meaningful song lyrics.

Spoken good intentions.

Cuddly blankets.

Car rides.

Car dancing.

Text messages just to say "hi" and "I'm thinking about you." and "I love you."

Making plans.

Toddlers and all the silly things they come up with to tell you.

Singing "Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star" with said toddlers.

Toddler hugs.

Baby smiles.

The smell of clean skin.

The way the air smells before it snows.

Sharing.

Thoughtful discussions.

Any and all things ridiculous.

Family time.

Live music.

There are a million other things that make me smile, but these were on my mind today.

I love you all and hope your smile is bright always.

Hayley

2011: I resolve...

It's a brand new year and although it has already begun terribly and we are less than 24 hours in, I am hopeful for good things in 2011. I have grand plans of changing my life for the better and seeing light and joy in all things in this upcoming year. So, with that being said, I resolve:

1. To love. Everyone. Unconditionally.

2. To receive and embrace love.

3. To forgive.

4. To let go of all judgments and pre-conceived notions.

5. To be tolerant.

6. To fight the battles that I need to fight and not run away from things that are hard.

7. To take the GRE.

8. To consider continuing my education and decide what that means for me.

9. To set 1-year, 5-year and 10-year goals.

10. To learn to play an instrument.

11. To try to write songs.

12. To have a functional relationship.

13. To take better care of my body.

14. To quit drinking alcohol.

15. To drink more water.

16. To work harder and intentionally toward becoming a paid performer.

17. To live within my means - manage my money better, budget and pay off my credit card.

18. To do more to help others.

19. To stay in at least one night a week - clean my house and eat in.

20. To learn to cook... something.

21. To visit my best friend in Chicago.

22. To visit my friends in New York.

23. To visit my friends in Portland.

24. To visit my cousins in California.

25. To spend more time with my brother.

26. To be less reactive.

27. To love myself.

28. To be a better friend, daughter and sister.

29. To make a difference.

30. To find joy and gratitude in all things.

I wish nothing but joy and love for all of you in the coming year. I hope that you all appreciate each new day as if it were just that: a brand new day. A brand new chance to start over. A chance to remember that the past is past and that this moment is all that we have so we might as well be happy.

I love you all. Happy New Year!

xo,

Hayley

Forgiveness

I sort of lost touch with my 40 days by the time Christmas began to roll around, so I'm sorry if you've missed my musings on life. (har. har.) I will do my best to be better about writing in the New Year.

Today, though, I just felt like writing. I wanted to write about my meditation for the week. I've been meditating a lot on forgiveness. I'm struggling with it lately and it seems strange to me because I am someone whose natural instinct is to forgive, mainly due to the fact that I would rather look past whatever unkindness or mistake that someone has made than to lose their friendship. But, I've faced certain situations lately that I've found very difficult to find forgiveness in my heart, and that kills me. I'm wrought with frustration and anger and it literally tears me apart.

So, I've been sitting with this idea of forgiveness a lot lately. And then, as if by some sort of divine intervention, I stumbled upon a sermon on the internet by Br. Michael Williams in which he talks about forgiving your enemies. He quotes a book in which the author likens refusing to forgive to drinking rat poison and waiting for the rat to die. This image really hit me like a sack of bricks because through all the frustration and anger and hurt I've been feeling lately, I know for a fact that the people who are hurting me are feeling nothing as a result. I'm not hurting them by holding on to all this pain in my heart. I'm only hurting myself. So, why do that? They are going to be no worse off by my not forgiving but by my forgiveness I can release myself from the pain I am feeling and they, in turn, are receiving positive energy that maybe they need to be better, kinder people and I want that for them. I want my enemies to learn compassion and love. Because, it is the right thing and because maybe through learning loving compassion they will cease to cause conflict and return to a place of kindness in my life. But, that's a maybe and I can't count on it so I am simply going to wish them well and forgive and let go, regardless of what the return is. I will love and wish joy on all my enemies because they deserve it just as much as I do and maybe need it more than I do.

Because it is the right thing to do. Because it is all that I can do. Because if I don't, I am hurting no one but myself. Because everyone deserves love and forgiveness.

So, I encourage all of you on this New Year's Eve to search your soul and consider what grudges and pain you're holding in your heart toward and because of another person or even yourself. Breathe in a little peace and send out a lot of love as you exhale. Forgive, and start 2011 with a heart that is free from the heaviness that lies there and give love to all. What better way to start a new year than through love?!

I love you all.

Happy New Year!

Love,

Hayley

Days 19-28: Awww, y'all, I got busy!

Seriously, y'all, I am a total blog failure! It's been over a week since I last posted! Eep! Sorry! But, there has been a TON going on and not a lot of time/internet access to reflect on it here, but I've been keeping track of the days on paper. So, getting right down to it!

Day 19 (Friday):

I had one of the coolest yoga experiences I've ever had! (I say this keeping in mind that I spent the summer doing yoga on a paddleboard so you know I am serious!) Jessica Ewart, Maggie White and Theresa Rodriguez (the fabulous Zuddhi/Community Yoga Meetup ladies) held a Slackasana: Slackline Yoga Party at TBA. What an awesomely fun and challenging practice! We began with a 30-minute warm-up on the floor and then took to the slacklines to see what we could do. Though I was skeptical (mainly of

my ability to do anything but fall on my face and look like the klutzo that I am), it turns out there is quite a lot you can do on/with a slackline! And what's even better is that it's crazy fun! You're supported by crash mats underneath, which helps with the fear of falling, and then you just go for it! We played with thelines as support just as we would the wall, but we also worked balance postures like crow, dragonfly, and lotus.

Here I am working scorpion with the use of the slackline. Thanks to the beautiful Emily Thal Griffith for the photo!

It was a BLAST and I felt like a kid on a playground! I didn't want to leave! And, to top it off, at 11pm, Racing Death ROCKED OUT in the gym for a bit of post-slackasana-ROCKASANA! I went home on a cloud that night!

Day 20 (Saturday):

Believe it or not, I awoke to an even more exhausting, albeit AWESOME day on Saturday, as it was Mainx24 - my favorite event in Chattanooga. Who doesn't love a 24-hour party?! I started the day in Sara's class at NSY, where I worked outmy Slackasana kinks and got my body and mind prepared for the long day ahead. It felt good to cleanse my body before a day of totally running it down. Mainx24 was amazing, though. I sang at CreateHere, where I was touched and elated to see some of my favorite/the sweetest people in Chattanooga come to support me. It meant the world to me and you all know who you are and I love you so much! I also have to give a special thanks to Butch for being my saving grace, accompanist, defender and my biggest and most constant supporter. (Sonny, I love you more than I can say. Love, Cher) After that, I hopped around and celebrated Gail's birthday, watched buskers, ran into fabulous people all over the place, racked up hugs, generally had a ball, hung with Stephen and his friends and saw Amber, Noah, Christian, Bohannons, Racing Death, Mark Holder, and Gerle Haggard perform! I even got to sing a song with MoonSlew at CreateHere and then again later at Tremont (for the anniversary)! It was super fun! Though, I will say that I may not have made the best decision in going to the Tremont but BOY was I having fun!

Day 21 (Sunday):

That being said, we won't talk about Sunday. ;) Except to say that, as always, I am so lucky to be a part of the Island of Misfit Musicians. They make my life so much more fun and happy and cozy, and they take care of me when I don't feel at my best. Sunday Funday for the win! 3 pizzas, 24 tacos, marshmallows, cake, pie and a movie with all of us piled on top of one another in Gail's living room = family dinner. I love it!

Day 22 (Monday):

We were lucky enough to host Ashley Turner again at NSY and I got to attend her class for the first time. I am SO glad I did! What an inspiring and informative teacher! We talked about the 5 kleshas that hold us back from truly reaching our potential and peace. It really hit closer to home for me than I even like to admit, but I found myself feeling so empowered by the revelation that everything IS, regardless of the ripples of my life. I can always be content to be, because there's nothing else for me to do. I can't change the past or predict the future. I can only be here, right now, enjoying each moment of my life. And I choose to do so.

Day 23 (Tuesday):

I woke up in Nashville, having driven up right after I left Ashley's class, and hopped on a place to New York. I really love visiting that city (and I fight with myself over wanting to live there). I got there and and headed into midtown, where I met up with my amazing and wonderful host, Andy and grabbed tickets to see A Little Night Music with Bernadette Peters and Elaine Stritch. Y'all. Seriously. Bernadette Peters is one of my heroes. I mean, I've always loved her, but I've never had the opportunity to seeher perform live before. She is even more incredible than I could've ever imagined AND I got to meet her after the show and get her autograph! (I didn't get a picture with her though, as I am a big, fat chicken.) But, I'll never forget that and am looking for a frame for my autographed Playbill as we speak! She's beautiful and amazing and sweet enough to stand in the freezing cold and sign autographs for every single person there. She is a STAR.

I have to mention, though, that Elaine Stritch is bat-shit crazy. (I find it funny that spell check has no problem with the word "bat-shit." But, I digress.) Seriously, she is definitely hilarious, but the woman has been in the show for months now and has literally no idea what her lines are. It was almost painful to watch as she constantly grasped at straws trying to come up with something to say. At one point the stage manager even had to call down a line for her. It was crazy. Though, I will say, the woman IS 85 years old. When I'm 85, I'll probably be lucky to remember where I put my teeth.,so I probably shouldn't criticize. It was just super bizarre. (Plus, when she finally finished a line, she'd laugh at herself with this big, weird grin on her face. SO bizarre!)

Oh, and another note - Bernadette's "Send in the Clowns" seriously broke my heart. It was so intensely beautiful. I was completely awestruck. Here's a little clip:

Day 24 (Wednesday):

Andy and I headed into the city early to grab tickets to La Cage aux Folles and then headed uptown to visit Jonathan at work and to go to Strawberry Fields to join the mass of people there paying tribute to John Lennon on the 30th anniversary of his death. It was really neat to see all those people huddled in the cold singing Beatles songs and leaving flowers and letters and lighting candles. What an impact he had to still be so well-loved 30 years posthumously. It was extremely moving to be there.

Here we are at Strawberry Fields on the 30th anniversary of John Lennon's death. It was a very cool experience.

From there we went to see La Cage, starring Kelsey Grammar and Douglas Hodge, who was absolutely BRILLIANT! The man is INCREDIBLE and I will love him forever. I was in awe, yet again. Plus, I totally love drag queens and the warm-up queen was HYSTERICALLY funny.

The Warm-Up Queen. Amazing.

The evening ended for me at Pee-Wee's Playhouse. Lord, but what an insanely ridiculous show. It was so bizarre but I still loved it, can't lie. But, yeah, way psycho-crazy. I can't even really put it into words. I headed back to the apartment that evening and experienced a bit of a frightening moment on the subway as I watched two crazy dudes almost fight. I waited about two stops hoping it would calm down, but when the one crazy guy grabbed his backpack and started yelling "I'm gonna kill you, motherfu**er!" I decided it was time to change trains. Ah, New York. You are so weird. But I love you.

Day 25 (Thursday):

This was yoga day. I started the day off at Om Factory yoga with a really fun and different vinyasa class. Om Factory is a really nice studio on the 17th floor of a building on 37th ave. The teacher talked about John Lennon and his attempt to bring positive energy in the face of negative energy from the paparazzi by displaying the peace sign whenever he as photographed and so we used "John Lennon mudra" for the rest of the class, as she played Beatles songs and taught a kick-ass class. It was very cool.

My second class of the day, however, was not so cool. I hate to say it because I had such high hopes, but I had a really unpleasant experience at Yoga to the People, and I'll tell you exactly why. I went to the Hot Vinyasa studio on 38th and got there early to a locked studio. I wasn't really surprised as I assumed the teacher would have to unlock the studio as it's small. So there are about three of us waiting in the stairwell when the teacher, a little blonde 20ish-year-old girl, stalks past us to open the door, not acknowledging us in any way, not even with a smile or a hello. She opens the door and just walks in as if she doesn't even see us there. So, fine. I go in and change in the changing area and then go to pay my $5 and rent a mat. I hand her the money, get my mat and she again, says nothing to me. Ok... so I set my mat up and wait for class to start as the room begins to fill. The room was totally full by the time class started, so we were mat to mat, which I don't mind as we have large classes at NSY. It was strange though, as almost every person there was about my age. It was a very young crowd, which is not a criticism, just something interesting to note. Anyway, so the last person comes in, the teacher locks the door and then walks to the front of the studio and barks out "Ok, child's pose." I though, "Um, ok." So we go into child's and she tells us that this is a posture we can come back to if we need rest, yadda yadda and then we go immediately into down dog and begin. No centering. No meditation. No intention. Just asana. Granted, she was obviously well-trained in alignment, as she never EVER (stopped talking) cueing alignment, but it seemed very rehearsed, as if she had memorized the sequence and the cues to go along with it. The class was fine and I got a good sweat session out of it but, when we finally went into savasana, she immediately told us that we could stay as long as we like but if we needed to leave we could, then she said "I have a quote:" then read the quote, hit a gong and then walked to the back of the room and began loudly talking to her friend about whatever she had to do that night. I was so irritated. Way to kill the buzz, there, sister. It was very disappointing as I am a huge fan of the Community Yoga/ Donation-based yoga idea. But, I guess sometimes you really do get what you pay for.

But, the experience made me very thankful for the "Community Yoga" scene we have in Chattanooga. What Jessica Ewart and Maggie White have created is just as nurturing and lovely as any studio class, but it happens to be donation based and it's meant to be out of love for yoga and about giving people an opportunity to experience that. That girl at YTTP obviously was not there for the love of yoga, rather, the love of a paycheck. I just was really turned off by her attitude and energy. I will probably not take another YTTP class when I'm in New York in the future, though I hate to say it. :(

That evening, I met up with Jonathan and we headed into the city to have dinner and enjoyed some $3 margaritas and fun chatter. I miss him and I miss Andy and am so impressed with their New York life!

Here we are drinking $3 margaritas. I love these boys.

Day 26 (Friday):

Another yoga day. I went to a vinyasa class at Om Factory, which again was lovely. I liked it too, because even though the room wasn't heated and the class moved fairly slowly, I sweated my rear off anyway and had a really awesome class! It reminds me that I don't have to have a "power" class to work hard! I followed that by staying for Anti-gravity yoga which was really neat. In a lot of ways I don't like it. It's not the most comfortable, but there are a lot of things about it that are really fun! And, let me tell you, savasana in a hammock is the BEST!

This is me doing Anti-Gravity Yoga. Cool, huh?!

That evening, I got to have dinner with two of my very favorite people from high school who now live, work and play in NYC, Reigan and Morgan (and Reigan's hilarious friend)! I was so happy to see and talk to them. I am in awe of both of them in very different ways. They are both really incredible though and I miss them a lot. It was so fun to listen to their stories and to laugh with them!

Here I am being really happy with Reigan and Morgan (and Reigan's friend from work)!

Day 27 (Saturday):

I am trying to block Saturday out, as it was a hellish day of travel (to say the least) but I'm gonna spare the long winded details. Let's just say I went home and I am very conflicted about it. Staying with Andy and Jonathan made me really wish I were living there as well. It made me realize that it's not so crazy to imagine myself doing that. It was hard to say goodbye to the city, BUT at least there were about 25 guys dressed as Santa on my train out of Astoria. Ah, SantaCon. Seriously, I'll say it again, I love New York.

Day 28 (TODAY!):

So, I made it to today. If you got through all of this writing, you are amazing and I don't have any idea why you have chosen to suffer through my epic blog post but I am eternally grateful that you have. It is snowing in Chattanooga and it's beautiful and I am going to sleep like a baby. I love you all and I will write again soon (I swear!).

Until then, goodnight! I love you all!!!

xoxo

Hayley

Days 16, 17, 18: Sloooowwww Dooowwwwwnnnn

Hello, fellow travelers,

(Well, that was even cornier than I thought it would be. Well done, me!)

Yes, it has been 3 days since my last post. No, I am not sorry. Well, I am, but I'm not. Does that make sense? (Answer: no.) Anyway, welcome to the land of too little sleep and too much nervous wreckage!

I'm currently overwhelmed by all the things I have going on; so much so that I can't even really come up with much to say tonight. What I will say, however, is that I've done a lot of good for myself this week. I think I'm growing up. I had a free evening tonight and you know what I did?! I went to yoga and then... stayed home. I didn't go out and spend more money I don't have just so that I could be out. I didn't call all of my friends to see what they were up to. I felt worn down and quiet and I allowed myself a break from one more thing I have to do. Because, the fact of the matter is that a lot of what makes me so tired and run down is self-inflicted. So, tonight, I decided to do nothing but take a warm shower, order a pizza and watch a movie and that's what I did and it felt terrific.

I've also been struggling this week with reactivity. Sometimes, your brain is a bit off-balance and that reactivity is sort of inherent, however, I have control over that. I can choose to stop and breathe and let go of whatever it is that is pissing me off in a particular moment. I can choose not to judge people harshly or snap at someone when I am feeling easy to goad. So, I've been fighting with that this week. I am trying to breathe through people who tailgate me, computer problems, rude customers, backhanded compliments, unreturned phone calls, and any other little slight that I face. It's definitely a work in progress.

As an example of being reactive and a segway into the next topic, yesterday my RUSH class had me steaming mad and I did not hide it well, which is not the best example for my students. It starts at 6:30pm and some guys were doing some sort of circuit work in the Group X room. So it gets to be 6:30 and I walk in and say, "Um, it's time for my yoga class." to which the guy (a STAFF member) says "aw, sorry" (he looks and sounds like some moronic meathead cartoon character - in my memory anyway) and then precedes to leave the room leaving the floor covered with equipment that I end up having to clean up (with the help of my students). Then, already 5 minutes into class time, we go to get started and these two other guys come in and start doing ab work, so I ask them politely if they'd like to stay and take class because we are about to start and they say no, they'll just stay and "observe". At this point, I'm livid because they are intruding on the sacred space I am trying to create for my students, but I get started anyway and they start to talk more loudly over my music and I finally got fed up and said "GUYS! I am starting class now. You need to leave." So, they did but later, ANOTHER guy just wanders right in and starts trying to use the room while I'm teaching. I had to again ask that he please leave.

This leads to my question for the evening: why are people so disrespectful?! Are they just not paying attention or are they stupid? I try not to let things like that bother me, but sometimes I am astounded at how thoughtless people can be. But, I digress. I'm trying to be less reactive and here I am, venting to the void. But, it IS frustrating.

So that's the work for the week: allowing these stressors to cross my path without pausing to react. Just allowing it to roll down my back. It's hard but, that's why it's called work and not "super happy fun".

Anyway, off to get some zzzz's. Big week ahead starts tomorrow with the Slackasana party, the Tremont's 4-year anniversary partay, Gail's birthday, Mainx24, Sunday Funday, Ashley Turner and then NYC, where I plan to go to as many yoga studios as I can! I'll report back on which ones I like the best.

I love you all. Sleep well.

Hayley

Days 12, 13, 14 and 15: I suck at blogging.

Y'ALL! I have fallen down on the blogging job this weekend!

It'll be difficult to really recap the last 4 days on account of the fact that they have been very eventful and also because I am twelve and a half seconds from passing out, approximately. But, I will do my best.

I had a lovely Thanksgiving at home in Nashthrill with my family. We at lunch at my Daddy's and "watched" football (by which I mean I slept on the big chair while everyone else watched football) and then we ate dinner at my mom's. Then I passed out with my clothes on at about 8:30pm. (I am truly pathetic.) But, I am always so happy to be home. I love my family so much and my heart lives there. I didn't manage any yoga on Thanksgiving or the day after, but what I did get to do is sing! Dressed as Dickensian characters, Andrew, Lisa and I wandered the North Shore singing Christmas carols much to the delight (read: confusion and mild fear) of passers-by. It was fun, albeit cold. Then, we sang at the Theatre Centre party for the Grand Illumination. It was really a fun night, capped off at Andrew and Mitchell's, laughing and laughing and laughing some more. I've said it once and I'll say it about a gazillion more times: I am so fortunate to know and love the people I know and love.

Saturday was a yoga extravaganza, though! I woke up feeling basically like crap on a cracker, with a snotty nose and a fat turkey-belly (read: marshmallow-belly). I almost let myself sleep in, but I got up and took Perry's class, and really got to wring out some of the garbage in my system AND excitement of excitements, I managed to convince myself to try to hop my feet into handstand at the wall and totally did it! I am now obsessed with doing that! It's so much fun and it makes me feel so strong and balanced! Following that, I ran down to see BJ at the Tremont, which was so nice, because I very rarely get to see him anymore and I am always thankful for time spent with friends I don't often get to see. And it also reminds me that sometimes people fall to the wayside and it's more than worth fighting to keep them present in your life. I need to remember to make time for old friends who aren't as accessible as others. I love BJ and was so happy to get to spend that short time just sitting and chatting with him.

Following that, I went to the Partner Yoga workshop at NSY with Matt FJ. It was so much fun! I love the ability to use another person as resistance or strength to help you deepen postures, connect with that person and even to fly! We really did have fun and Kendall and Brantley are wonderful teachers. I'm so glad I gave myself the gift of that experience and I'm so grateful to Matt for being my partner when I would otherwise not have had one. It meant the world to me and he was a great partner!

The day ended with dinner at Meeting Place (pumpkin martini? yes, please!) with Matt, Kelsey and Jody and Jason, which was super fun and enlightening. I love learning about people and deepening my relationships with new friends. It's really fun!! And then Matt, Jason and I headed to Market St. to see Moon Slew play. It was also Allison Foster's birthday so we got to celebrate with her, which was fun! It was such a wonderful, uplifting day.

Sunday, I woke up feeling crummy again and once again, had to force myself out of bed to head to Lisa's class. It was sort of tough to melt into any posture as my nose was running like a faucet, so the yoga was to try and sit with that without worrying that people would be grossed out by my pack of tissues or the sound of me sniffing and to let go. I heard someone say once that if you feel bad, you're going to feel bad whether you are laying on the couch or getting some exercise so you might as well exercise. And I did. I sweated and I blew my nose 40 thousand times and I got through and you know what? At the end of class, I felt better. I went to Sunday Funday with the whole gaggle of Misfits and had a blast laughing and singing in the cold with my Chatta-family. I love them.

Today was a long day. It started with work at the studio, where I was faced with information that made me really think about my priorities in life and how I treat the people in mine. It became apparent to me how fortunate I am to live the life I live and to have so many people in my life that care about me and are there for me if and when I need them. I am so lucky. And I am so lucky to have had very little tragedy in my life. But, tragic things happen to people every day and we have to deal with that. It's a reminder that our time on this Earth and with these people we come into contact with is precious and fleeting. We have to take care of and dedicate time to our relationships with the ones we love because we could lose all of that in a moment. It was a somber thought to start the morning, but it made me feel more responsible to my relationships and actions. I took Lisa's class this evening and at the end, I sent up a prayer. I prayed for good health and peace and joy for all the ones I know and love and those I love and am yet to meet and for those I love who don't love me and those I love who don't know how to love. We all deserve that love and why wouldn't I extend a gesture of love to every heart in my field of energy? That's my yoga for today: learn to love everyone, so that you never waste a moment of your life on negativity and cruelty, because I guarantee that one day, you will regret every little slight, every unkind word, every argument. So, limit them. Make your life about joy and love and let them sit with you without expectation of reciprocation. It may not come back to you the way you want it to, but it always comes back.

Alright, kitties, I am too sleepy to continue, but I hope you all have a lovely Tuesday!

xoxo and I love you,

Hayley

Days 10 and 11: I am THANKFUL!

Happy Thanksgiving, y'all!

I am writing you today from the living room of my Daddy's house. So far, I have eaten about 12 Sister Shubert's cinnamon rolls/pigs-in-a-blanket, smoked turkey, broccoli casserole, mashed potatoes, stuffing, congealed cherry fruit salad, and marshmallow fruit salad (that I love, but my Daddy thinks is disgusting. He's clearly wrong.) and I still have dinner at my mother's house to look forward to. If I don't throw up today, it will literally be a miracle. It's been a lovely day already, what with the eating, watching Good Morning America (highlight: when Juju said "Now, the cookie is turked..." Gah-leeee. So funny.), Dexter and Parenthood with my mom and Noah while Daisy had a global kitten-spaz and spending time with my Daddy, G, Aunt Kathy and Pop.

I just love Thanksgiving.

This is due to all of the things listed above but also because I can't think of a better idea than an entire day dedicated to family and reflecting on all of the things in our lives that we can be grateful for, as there are certainly a lot. So, today, I am going to bore you with all of the things I am thankful for, hopefully distracting me from eating another giant mound of marshmallow stuff.

I am thankful:

1. For my family. They are the people who know me better than anyone in the world, and love me anyway. I've said before that you don't get to choose your family, but if I could, I'd still choose them. They are the funniest, kindest, most encouraging, supportive, loving, wonderful people in the world and I would not trade them for anyone. Not even Johnny Depp. And that's a bold statement.

2. For April. The Thelma to my Louise (or the other way around. I didn't really think that metaphor over in depth...). She has been my friend for 5 years now, but it feels like 5 lifetimes. I am so lucky to know her and I miss her constantly. (Dear Chicago, thanks for stealing away my best friend. You suck. Love, Hayley)

3. For Gail. I love her better than cheesecake, and you know how much I love cheesecake! Gail is my Chattanooga mom, my go-to hang-out person, the Queen of Sunday Funday, my confidant, my support, my favorite photographer, my friend. If you don't have a Gail Lindsey in your life, I feel sorry for you. I wouldn't be the same without her.

4. For The Island of Misfit Musicians. My Chattanooga family. These are the people I love more than my luggage. They are the people I spend the majority of my free time with. They are the people I love and who I can depend on to love me. I can always count on them to be there for me and I hope they all know that the reverse is also true. They are what keep me in Chattanooga. They are the people I "come home" to. I love you guys.

5. For Butch Ross. My lunch/dinner/breakfast companion. My cheerleader. The person I can depend on no matter what. The Sonny to my Cher. Ellie's dad. You deserve more gratitude than I can begin to express. You mean the world to me. Thank goodness for your presence in my life.

6. For Sara, Kathryn, and my North Shore Yoga family. For giving me such a happy place to work. For putting a smile on my face every day. For making me feel loved and healthy and strong. For supporting me and allowing me to be who I am and helping me to learn to love that person. For being my sanctuary, my joy, my peace. Thank you for changing me and giving me a clearer picture of what I want out of life.

7. For Katie, Pamela, Robyn and Stori. The greatest friends a girl could have. My high-school best friends. The prettiest, silliest, sassiest, most brilliant, kind, compassionate, creative and loving women I know. I miss them constantly.

8. For Rachel and Allison. My sisters. I miss you ladies so much and am so proud of you and can't believe we've been friends for almost 18 years. It's amazing and I love you both so much.

9. For my Chattanooga Theatre Centre family. My first home in Chattanooga. The place that I go when I'm feeling dramatic. The place I get to be someone else. The place I get to be creative. The place that lets me dance and sing and act. The place that makes me laugh. The place where I laugh and laugh and laugh and then, I laugh some more. The place where I get to see some of my favorite people in Chattanooga being brilliant onstage and off. I love you all.

10. For Olive and Daisy. The best kitties in the whole entire world!

11. For all the amazing people in my life mentioned here and those that I am forgetting. I love you. You all make me who I am. You give me a reason to wake up in the morning. You make my heart swell with joy and gratitude. I am better for knowing you. Thank you for being you.

I love you all. Happy Thanksgiving!

xoxo,

Hayley

P.S. I am also thankful for: love. yoga. sunshine. smiling. Hello Kitty. live music. photographs. laughter. memoirs. tv on dvd. nicknames. dance parties. ice cream. silliness. snail mail. old friends. new friends. facebook. children. NYC. the beach. airplanes. diet coke. scarves. fresh flowers. kindness. charity. honesty. opportunity. open-mindedness. change. growth. beauty. joy. peace. gratitude.

Days 8 and 9: Why isn't the sun awake yet?!

Welcome to Wednesday!

The reason I am only now writing about Monday and Tuesday is that by the time I got home on Monday and Tuesday, it was all I could do to manage getting my pajamas on before I fell into my bed and passed out. If you've never seen really intense pillow-face, come to my house next Tuesday morning. You will not believe it!

I started my new internship at Williams Web on Monday, which I LOVE, but which also leaves me with very limited time. So, I had no choice but to take 6am yoga. (Seriously, no choice. I would never choose to take 6am, unless I had to. It's early.) Let me tell you, waking up at 5am is no picnic. In fact, I didn't even realize there was a 5 in the morning until now!! Waking up before the sun makes me a little off-kilter. But, fortunately, I got up at 5 two mornings in a row and went to class and I am so grateful to have given myself that gift. I am dedicated to my practice and well-being and I am proud of that. I am also so grateful to Kelsey and Sara for teaching beautiful sequences and for waking me up and energizing me for the day.

Here's what I'm learning from 6am yoga:

Your body is not always ready for everything you want to throw at it. But, you have to learn to adapt to it. When I practice early in the morning, my back and hamstring are tighter, my arms feel a little less powerful, my balance feels incredibly different, and yet, the practice of opening my body in that way, preparing for the day ahead is very freeing. It allows me room to grow that I don't necessarily get from an evening class. It's a very humbling practice. I can't tell you how many times I fell out of even the simplest postures yesterday morning. But, I steadied myself and started again and I think I'm all the better for it.

This morning, I had intended to also go to 6am, but my body told me no by way of not waking up until 6:30. Oops. (Sorry Kelsey and Katherine! I lied!) But, sometimes, our bodies need rest and I do teach two classes on Wednesdays so, though it's not an excuse, I will still be tired later At least there's that!

Plus, once again I had rehearsal for the Grand Illumination party until 9 o'clock last night and stupidly headed to the Tremont thinking I would only be there for a few minutes to say hi and get hugs from my favorite people and then go home. Duh, Hayleyface. I ended up being there for about an hour and a half and came home and totally collapsed in a heap of exhaustion (after I updated my Facebook status, of course. Priorities, people!) I also ran into the undesirable former friend who makes me sad, so I was itching to get home and put it out of my head, but it's hard to let people go. Especially when they are people that you love. I'm trying super hard, but it's unavoidable that I will run into him and at this point, it hurts every time, but little by little I am hoping it will dissipate. I'm trying to be strong and keep my frustration and sadness over the situation in check, but it's not easy. Not easy at all. I am strong. I will get past it. I am strong.

So, I "slept in" this morning (It's almost sad to think that "sleeping in" means 6:30am...) and I don't feel bad about it. My body feels more ready to face an active day and I am looking forward to expressing my gratitude to each and every person I come across today. I love you all and I wish you a happy Wednesday and a BEAUTIFUL Thanksgiving!!!!

xoxo,

Hayley

But, I digress.

Day 7: Sunday Funday!

... Or, in the case of today: the day that Hayley gained 45 pounds in 24 hours.

Today was not so successful. I went to bed last night with the intention of getting up to go to yoga this morning. (Though, in the interest of full disclosure, I should clarify that "went to bed" actually means "fell asleep on the couch watching a Lifetime movie and woke up at 3 only to drag myself to my bed and fall asleep in my makeup. Without brushing my teeth. With the lights on." I looked like Elvira when I woke up this morning. Sheesh.) But when I finally woke up at 9, I just had no motivation. So, I literally sat down with a big bowl of leftover beans and rice and preceded to spend the next 5 or so hours watching the current season of Dexter.

I sat around and ate beans and rice and pumpkin cake all day long and then I drove back to Chattanooga, snacking on candy, only to go to Sunday Funday with the Island of Misfit Musicians and eat chips and chili. I don't know why I always feel like it's o for me to eat that way when I've been home? Maybe my house makes me hungry? I don't know, but I do know that today was a giant failure in the "willpower" department. But, I am not going to beat myself up over it, because failure is a part of learning and I could keep putting myself down for it, or I could let it go and allow tomorrow to be a new day. And that is what I'm going to do. I'm gonna get up and go to 6am yoga, work at the studio from 8-2, work at my NEW internship (I GOT HIRED!)..... (Ok, people, this is the part where we celebrate! Get on it!) and then I have to get to the CTC at 7:30 to practice for the Grand Illumination party. It's going to be a long day, but I think it will be happy!

Wish me luck and if you see me eating something that you can't find in nature, slap me.

I love you all. Thank you for taking the time to read.

7 days, 33 to go!!

xoxo

Days 5&6: Competition killed the cat... or... something...

Hello darling people,

It's been a crazy but fun couple of days, which is why I haven't gotten around to posting until now. And, even now, I am multi-tasking by blogging and watching Parenthood (which, by the way, makes my life happy. Watch it. Seriously. I mean it.)

Yesterday was day 5 and I was again unable to practice, but this time due to an overbooked schedule. It shouldn't be an excuse but I literally was running around all day long, from working childcare in the midst of a glass-shattering incident, to getting my ears lowered, to getting HIRED (!!!!) at Williams Web, to making sparkly sunglasses, to having dinner with fabulous friends, to going to see Elton John (!!!!) with the amazing Amber, Stephen and Lisa. It was a crazy day and, though I am somewhat bummed to have not gotten to practice, I wouldn't have traded a great day like yesterday for anything. So, maybe that was the yoga for yesterday: being content to... be content. Sometimes, maybe taking care of yourself and being kind to your body and soul means allowing yourself the freedom from guilt that sometimes accompanies not quite accomplishing the goals you've set out for yourself. So yesterday, I gave in and gave up being frustrated with myself for missing my practice two days in a row. I let myself know that tomorrow could be a new day and I could start again. And it came, and it was, and it was wonderful.

I woke up early this morning and drove into Nashville, hoping to take the 10:00 class from Gillian at Steadfast and True Yoga. So, I got to the studio at 9:30 and realized there was no 10:00 class. I was super bummed and could not bear the thought of not taking class and I couldn't wait until 11:15 so I hopped in the car and drove to Sanctuary to take a Vinyasa Level 2/3 with Daphne. To be honest, I wasn't thrilled to be there because I had my heart set on taking Gillian's class and for whatever reason I just felt intimidated by the studio. So, as I walked into the studio, I wasn't feeling super confident or energetic. But, then, as I sat there, other students started trickling in and I found myself getting irritated by the students who clearly were regulars to that class who were flying into handstand again and again and doing other things that felt very show-offy to me. And as I started to feel myself getting irritated over this silly thing, I thought to myself, "I'll show them." How terrible is that?! And yet, I know that to be true of me a lot of the time. I am competitive. Sometimes to a fault. What were those people hurting by playing on their mats before class started? I do it, too. But, I am so competitive, that the faults I see in myself make me totally crazy when I see them in others. And watching people in their competitive zone makes me dive right into mine.

So what was the lesson? Well, I was still in sort of a funny, doubting mood when class started, but then Daphne led us through a beautiful, flowing practice that I just loved. Time moved so quickly and suddenly it was over and I felt so grounded and peaceful. And that is why I went to class in the first place, right? I go for the sense of joy yoga brings to my life. So, why would I care what other people can do on their mats. I can't gain or lose anything by what other people can or can't do. It literally does not affect me. So that's what I am trying to learn. How to wear blinders on my mat. It's hard, but I can do it.

Finally, tonight I went with my Daddy to see the Blue Men and it was INCREDIBLE! If y'all ever get the chance to see them, you HAVE to go! I'm obsessed. What a fabulous way to end the day!

Hope you all have a beautiful Sunday!

6 days down, 34 to go!!

I love you!

News that will SHOCK you!

On today's episode of "News that will SHOCK you": I have a pathological need to be liked.

I know... you are floored. It's really beyond belief, as I am clearly unaffected by peoples' feelings about/toward me. *sarcasmsarcasmsarcasm*

(Today, I chose to actually listen to my body and take a rest day from practicing. Not to mention the fact that I got home at 3:45 and accidentally took a 3 hour nap. Oh well.)

So, because I did not get to take class today, the yoga for me was confronting the experience of being in the presence of someone that does not like me. ! I mean, I am sure you are thinking, "But, Hayley, you are just rainbows and sunshine all the time, so how in the world could someone not like you?!", right?! *sarcasmsarcasmsarcasm*

Well, children, sometimes, no matter how hard you try, certain people don't like you, and that's ok. My yoga for today was to be in the presence of someone who I know dislikes me and to be able to be content with that and allow myself the freedom to be unaffected by it. I reminded myself that the only thing I can control is my own behavior and emotional response to a given situation and despite any effort I may make, I cannot control those factors in another person. I can only treat that person the way I would anyone else, with love and respect, and let go of any attachment. After that, if they like me, they like me. If they don't, I'm no worse off than I was before. I am no less because of one person's negative feelings toward me. If anything, they have less because they are short a good friend. I am still the same happy, loving and loved person, regardless of anyone who doesn't want to contribute to that happiness and love.

And, you know what? They may not get to be a part of my love and happiness, but I will send them love and joy every day anyway. I will open my arms and embrace them when and if they decide that they will accept me into their hearts. Because I am loved. Because I love in spite of hate. Because I know how it feels to be without a friend. Because I know what it means to let negativity overcome positivity. Because when we love, we win.

And, mainly, because everyone deserves to be loved. Even the ones who can't reciprocate it.

I love you all.

Namaste.

P.S. If y'all have never seen Grayson Capps, you do not know what you are missing! That man is a B.A.M.F.!! Also, Channing Wilson rocks my face off. Ok. Done. Bed, now.