Saturday, April 24, 2010

Pain and Promise

Hello, all.

Today I have a lot of things on my mind. I know I call this my grati-blog, and I have things to be grateful about today, as every day, but I also need to just get some things off my mind.

First of all, I am so thankful for repaired friendships. Thursday night, I spent a really long stretch of time chatting with a friend that I've in the recent past had a strained relationship with. We were in some sort of freeze out and I think the world of him so it had really bothered me. He's someone that I love to sit and talk to. He's kind, smart, talented, interesting and just fun to be around. I totally love bouncing thoughts back and forth with him, so when we were having our issue, I was really bummed. But, Thursday night, we got back to where we were. It was so awesome. I'm really grateful that things have a way of working themselves out.

I have also reconnected with someone that I so love and that has had a rough go of it in the past year. He's trying to work out his life and I'm so happy for him but it breaks my heart to know that he's doing so without me. It's really killing me, but I want more than anything to see him happy so I have to just forget how I feel and put my energy into being happy for him and hoping for the best in his life. Mine will be fine. I know that. I just really miss him.

I'm also very thankful for all of the people I'm lucky enough to spend my time with in Chattanooga. They are people who love me and take such good care of me. They are people I go to when I'm sad and who make things fun for when I am happy and who help heal my loneliness. But, it's getting harder and harder to be here. I love my life, but there are so many things that I miss about home and so many opportunities I'm afraid I may be missing by not moving on. Chattanooga was always supposed to be just a stopping point. I was never supposed to stay and now I'm starting to fear that if I don't leave soon, I never will.

I am also extremely frustrated with a certain aspect of my life in which the people involved seem to have no faith in me, whatsoever. I feel like I am being constantly doubted and scrutinized and it's suffocating. It makes me feel incompetent and inadequate and it tempers an aspect of my life that used to bring me so much joy. I hate that it's ruining that source of happiness. And what really hurts is that I keep choosing to let it happen; to stay in that situation. I am too worried about the uncertainty to move on. I should just suck it up and let go of what makes me unhappy but it's really really hard and there are a lot of things I do love about it. Who knows. But, to give it up would most likely mean giving up a lot of other things and I don't know if I'm ready for that yet. Who knows.

Finally, I am so happy and thankful for Enchanted April and the Chattanooga Theatre Centre. No matter what the problems are in my life, when I get to the theatre I have two hours to be someone else. Someone who doesn't have my problems. Someone who makes me forget what it means to be me. I love that feeling. It's the greatest escape ever.

I have to go now. I love you all.

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

Change and Happiness

Good morning!

So, this has been a strange year so far. I say that because I feel as if my life has been in a constant state of change. Comfort and ease have taken a backseat to upheaval and struggle. Not that I'm complaining. Some changes have been wonderful. But, some naturally have been hard and have brought a touch of unhappiness and stress. Fortunately, however, I am blessed to be able to look at the sunny side.

I have so many opportunities and chances to do great and fun things. I am fortunate to have friends who support me no matter what (canceling out those who do not care what is best for me as it would inconvenience them in some way). I have the best family in the world, who, although they want to hang onto me forever (and I them, really) support my choices and are my biggest cheerleaders. I'm very lucky in that way.

I was thinking about change because of something I read recently. The author was speaking about his life as if he had to change his life to make him a better person or a more acceptable version of himself. He also talked a lot about doing so for the sake of his religion, which I won't address further here, except to say that it drives me crazy that an institution that is supposed to be about love and grace and peace tears people down and makes them feel somehow less content and happy in their lives. I don't care if I'm a sinner. I am and I accept that. And, I would like to believe that God loves me anyway. He created me in his image and I am flawed, so why would he punish me for that? It just makes me sad to see people beat themselves up for not being perfect in the eyes of the church because the church, in my opinion, does not tend to reflect what I believe God is. Anyway, moving on. I was thinking that it was sad that this person felt he needs to overhaul his life to be a "better person" and happier somehow. If you have to force yourself to change in some unnatural way, are you not lying to yourself? It's a false sense of peace. You aren't happy with your life and yourself because you've forced yourself to become someone you are not. Can't we just learn to love ourselves as we are? Can't we be thankful for the being that we have become through pain and mistakes and love and laughter? I choose to be me. I am definitely flawed and definitely have work to do to improve myself. I'm not saying there is no room for improvement, but I don't think changing the essence of yourself to accommodate this ideal is good.

So, today, I am thankful for being me. I am thankful for my life and the person that I have become. I am thankful for my flaws as well as my talents. I am thankful for the love I have and love I have lost. I am thankful for each sunrise and sunset. I am thankful. I am thankful. I am thankful.

I love you all,