Saturday, April 24, 2010

Pain and Promise

Hello, all.

Today I have a lot of things on my mind. I know I call this my grati-blog, and I have things to be grateful about today, as every day, but I also need to just get some things off my mind.

First of all, I am so thankful for repaired friendships. Thursday night, I spent a really long stretch of time chatting with a friend that I've in the recent past had a strained relationship with. We were in some sort of freeze out and I think the world of him so it had really bothered me. He's someone that I love to sit and talk to. He's kind, smart, talented, interesting and just fun to be around. I totally love bouncing thoughts back and forth with him, so when we were having our issue, I was really bummed. But, Thursday night, we got back to where we were. It was so awesome. I'm really grateful that things have a way of working themselves out.

I have also reconnected with someone that I so love and that has had a rough go of it in the past year. He's trying to work out his life and I'm so happy for him but it breaks my heart to know that he's doing so without me. It's really killing me, but I want more than anything to see him happy so I have to just forget how I feel and put my energy into being happy for him and hoping for the best in his life. Mine will be fine. I know that. I just really miss him.

I'm also very thankful for all of the people I'm lucky enough to spend my time with in Chattanooga. They are people who love me and take such good care of me. They are people I go to when I'm sad and who make things fun for when I am happy and who help heal my loneliness. But, it's getting harder and harder to be here. I love my life, but there are so many things that I miss about home and so many opportunities I'm afraid I may be missing by not moving on. Chattanooga was always supposed to be just a stopping point. I was never supposed to stay and now I'm starting to fear that if I don't leave soon, I never will.

I am also extremely frustrated with a certain aspect of my life in which the people involved seem to have no faith in me, whatsoever. I feel like I am being constantly doubted and scrutinized and it's suffocating. It makes me feel incompetent and inadequate and it tempers an aspect of my life that used to bring me so much joy. I hate that it's ruining that source of happiness. And what really hurts is that I keep choosing to let it happen; to stay in that situation. I am too worried about the uncertainty to move on. I should just suck it up and let go of what makes me unhappy but it's really really hard and there are a lot of things I do love about it. Who knows. But, to give it up would most likely mean giving up a lot of other things and I don't know if I'm ready for that yet. Who knows.

Finally, I am so happy and thankful for Enchanted April and the Chattanooga Theatre Centre. No matter what the problems are in my life, when I get to the theatre I have two hours to be someone else. Someone who doesn't have my problems. Someone who makes me forget what it means to be me. I love that feeling. It's the greatest escape ever.

I have to go now. I love you all.

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